The movie couples should watch

I personally recommend you to watch Fireproof together with your husband or wife. It will help you to save your marriage and to avoid divorce. You will learn more how to treat your husband and wife better and how to have a wonderful life together. It's not too late to start all over again. Every marriage is worth saving. I hope you'll watch it. You can watch Fireproof's trailer and some of it's parts here in my blog. Learn and enjoy! Click here to watch the movie..

5 Tips To Save Your Marriage

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Save Your Marriage - Are There Good Enough Reasons For Doing So?



If you are going through a bad marriage chances are that you are looking for ways and means to save your marriage from friends, marriage counselors or even the internet. With so many marriages cracking up all over the world, it is not surprising to find scores of suggestion and advices including things to do, how to plan, how to strategize and so on filling up shelves at the bookstores as well as the internet. While most would talk about deploying the most proven techniques to save your marriage no one really talks about taking the reverse course of action and think, whether at all there are good reasons for doing what you are trying to do - to save your marriage.

Marriage between two people is also a union of the mind as well as sharing of commitments and responsibilities that come with it. When things go sour, obviously there has something gone wrong at some basic levels. Of all the issues that upset the apple cart, some are easily identifiable as well as solvable too. For example, if the sourness in the marriage is due to a third person, you can either live with the idea or reject your partner. There is no question about how to save your marriage in such cases. Similarly, you can treat physical incompatibility largely through medical intervention. If this does not work, it perhaps hardly makes sense to save your marriage. Nevertheless, issues linked to mental incompatibilities are more difficult to analyze objectively and solve to save your marriage. This is precisely the area where you need to sit back and think, whether at all it makes sense to take the initiative to save your marriage. Here are some pointers to think about as to why you should try to save your marriage:

- Are you trying to save your marriage because of issues like children, finances, insecurities about future, etc?

- Are you making efforts to save your marriage because you believe that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the relationship except that it has taken a beating caused by familiarity or negligence?

- Are you trying to save your marriage because your ego has been hurt?

- Are you mentally scared of loneliness that is bound to follow a separation and hence your need to save your marriage?

- Is the reason to save your marriage due to your feeling insecure?

- If the marriage has been for long, you know your spouse well by now. Are you sure that the differences responsible for causing problems in the marriage are resolvable?

- Do you think that both of you still trust the reasons why you came together?

- Do you still value the friendship of your spouse?

- Leaving out sex, money, children and security, can you write down five good reasons why you want your spouse back and save your marriage?

One can go on endlessly on this subject but you might have got it by now the importance of making your mind clear of mental debris and starting to thing afresh. Remember to save your marriage might be easy for short-term gains, but it might be difficult to keep your marriage, if the reasons to save your marriage was not good and strong enough. But like I always say... if you think it is wort to fight to save it, you should do it.

Why is saving your marriage so important to you? Because a good relationship is one of the most treasured of human interactions. We all want to be loved. There are the great times together, the shared dreams and visions, the mutual likes and dislikes and more. Great relationships are essential for enjoying a good quality of life. They color everything else around us.

Losing a lover is one of the most emotionally traumatizing episodes in our life. Losing a spouse is even worse. It is amazing how the very thing that brings us the most pleasure also brings with it the most grief.

But don't give up on the love of your life yet. It is too early for this. You can learn a cutting edge approach to successful reuniting with your lost lover or spouse. These methods have been used by many with an extraordinary degree of success. Please visit my site at http://www.LonelinessToHappiness.com/ to find out how you can get your ex back in your life and make her or him fall in love with you again. I will teach you how to put the passion back in your relationship. You will be in good hands.





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If you're going through hard times in your relationship now, try to talk about it as early as you can so you can fix it easily. Communication gives less burden. There are many reasons why you should save your marriage and always choose the right thing to do.

Source

Monday, December 21, 2009

Save Your Marriage For the Sake of the Kids - Is it Worth It?


Incompatibilities, infidelity and physical and emotional inadequacies are perhaps a few of the many reasons why marriages break. If you are reading this, perhaps you too are going through a troubled marriage and you feel that a breakup is imminent. You want to save your marriage not for anything else, but for the sake of your kids. They are reasons enough to stick to an otherwise loveless marriage.

While this is a noble gesture confirming your spirit of self-sacrifice and selflessness, some matters need your consideration if you want to save your marriage for the sake of the kids. This means that you would have left your spouse, if only the kids were not there, as kids from a broken home do suffer, and you know it more than anyone else.

Before you actually sit down to take a final call whether or not to save your marriage, for the sake of the kids, there is a need to do some soul-searching regarding the mutual feelings. Are you still in love with your husband? If he has called it quits, is it because he is in love with another woman or is it just that he wants to free himself from you? Do a frank and unbiased analysis of the existing situation, before you take steps to save your marriage for the sake of the kids. Here are some suggestions:

• Even if you are successful in saving your marriage for the moment and stall your husband's decision for a divorce, how long do you think you can carry on with a loveless existence?

• Have you tried to talk over the matter with your kids? If the kids are very clear about their intentions to stay with the father, you might have to think of parting ways with the family, in stead of working out ways to save your marriage.

• You need financial strength to stay away and manage the kids as a single parent. If your income along with the money from your ex husband can ensure a decent life for you and the children, there is hardly any point in making efforts to change your husband's decision and save your marriage.

• No woman ever likes to walk out of a happy marriage. Obviously things are not perfect in your relationship which has caused this conflict of interest. Think hard, whether such issues can at all be resolved, if not in its entirety, but at least up to livable standards. If you are sure that you can live with such half-measures, for the sake of the kids then you must go ahead and take steps to retrieve as much as possible and save your marriage.

Whether you are still together and having problems or you are already separated and want to save your marriage... the next step is absolutely crucial!

Don't make the mistake of saying or doing something that will kill your chances of getting back together with your spouse. Find out what you need to do to save your marriage and emotionally reconnect with her or him again.




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I think it would be a big factor to save your marriage for your kids because they are the one who are most affected in any broken marriages. But if you really think that your life will be at peace if you separate ways and you cannot fix it anymore then you can do it. Always try to fix any troubles you are having because every marriage is worth saving.

Source

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Why whispering could save your marriage


When times get tough in relationships, we will more often than not find ourselves raising both our voices and most likely our blood pressure.

But according to consultant forensic psychologist Kerry Daynes, whispering sweet nothings could just save your marriage.

She told The Telegraph: "When couples are having difficulty communicating with each other, whispering can be a helpful technique.

"It requires both parties to make a conscious effort to listen. The whisperer is likely to slow down their communication and therefore think a little more about what they are saying.

"Meanwhile, the whisperee has to concentrate in order to hear what has been said and so may listen more effectively than usual."

Of course, it's not always that simple. A recent study in Texas revealed that emotional whisperings are more effective when delivered to the left ear so you'll need to bear that in mind.

And there is always the chance that you'll be entirely misheard, resulting in a row over whatever it was you were trying not to row about.

While Daynes admits that though it is "a simplistic strategy", it does "help to create an atmosphere of intimacy.

"It requires proximity – you obviously have to get close to be heard," she says.

And therein lies the problem.





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I haven't think that whispering can be a good communication tool for couples. I think she is right that whisperer can have more time to think and the whisperee will exert more effort to listen. What a brilliant idea.

Source

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Can You Save Your Marriage?

Are you experiencing relationship difficulties? Have you reached a point in your marriage that seems like all is lost? Are you afraid that there is no hope left for your relationship? You’re not alone; in fact many couples experience difficulties in their relationships for a variety of reasons. Yet, no matter what the reason for the difficulties in your marriage, there is hope and such problems can be overcome!


The first step in saving a marriage that is in danger of falling apart is to determine whether or not both partners within the marriage possess a mutual desire to save the marriage. If one partner wants to maintain and work on the marriage while another partner elects not do, all of the work and effort that is put into making the relationship work will ultimately come to naught. Thus, a mutual desire on behalf of both partners to remain in the relationship must exist.

The second step in repairing the damage in any relationship is to determine the cause of the problem in the first place. Sometimes the problem is screamingly clear like when one or both partners engage in extramarital affairs, while other times the reason for problems may not appear so obvious; perhaps you are experiencing a sense of alienation from your spouse because you no longer spend time together the way you used to when you first met. Thus, in clearly defining the problem, it will become easier to focus on possible solutions and to repair your marriage.

Once you have defined the problem, it comes time to look at possible solutions. Further, the seriousness of the existing problem in your marriage will directly parallel the amount of effort it will take to save your marriage. For example, in the case of a slowly distancing relationship, couples can slowly work on rebuilding the intimacy shared in the relationship while in the case of an extramarital affair it may take a significant amount of time to overcome the sense of betrayal each of the partners may feel.

Changing the way you think about your current relationship with your spouse can make a tremendous difference in your relationship. For instance, instead of dwelling on the current problems that may exist within your marriage: why not reflect on how your relationship was before all your problems began? Think about what it was like when you and your partner first met and you fell in love with one another. Do you remember how being in love made you feel? Do you remember being willing to go above and beyond what was necessary to please and satisfy your partner? Once you recall the niceties that you used to implement in your relationship, you can once again employ such behaviors and in doing so, you can begin to repair your marriage.

Finally, a positive attitude is imperative if you desire to save your marriage. Thus, if you truly want to rescue your relationship and save it from falling completely apart or resulting in divorce, you will have to be willing to let go of any feelings of resentment or bitterness you feel toward your partner. Such a task may not be easy, especially if your partner has had an affair; nevertheless, by not letting go of the resentment you may presently feel, you are already setting your relationship up to fail. Therefore, in a sincere effort to save your marriage, be sure to set aside any negative emotions you may have and focus on being positive by looking to the future and the potential of renewal that your relationship holds.





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As long as you are eager to save your relationship you can do it. Trust your feelings and be patient to win your husband and wife back.

Source

Monday, December 7, 2009

Fix Marriage…How Control Issues Can Cause Marriage Problems

Have you ever been irritated because your mate does things differently than you do?


Does it upset you if your spouse makes different choices and has different opinions than you do? If so, you have encountered some of your own personal control issues and triggers in your relationship. To save your marriage from needless damage, there are some key points you’ll want to understand.

To reduce the risk of marital problems that can lead to marriage separation, here are three important considerations:

1. Fear is at the bottom of control issues.

When a spouse has controlling behavior in the relationship, marriage problems often result. The feelings you have at those times can be very intense and may include extreme anger at the other person. A controlling wife may feel more secure when her husband mirrors her beliefs, opinions, and choices. Your safety fears and needs contribute to your wanting others to be just like you. The old adage, "There’s safety in numbers," refers to this ancient fear of standing alone.

Also, most people feel more in control when they can predict how others will act and when others meet their expectations. Then they don't have to experience the discomfort of changing, growing, or stretching themselves. Instead, they can pretend that their world is logical, predictable, orderly, and safe.

2. Thinking your spouse should be just like you causes marital problems.

Your control issues are also triggered by seeing your spouse as an extension of yourself. This perception can result in trying to dictate which clothes your spouse wears, who she is friends with, how she wears her hair, what political views she holds, and what she can or cannot do. While your partner may initially make some changes trying to keep the peace, you are creating a parent-child dynamic in your marriage that will eventually foster rebellion and resentment and my ultimately lead to marriage crisis.

3. Using name calling and insults are attempts by a controlling spouse to dominate the partner.

While nothing sinister is involved in many control issues in marriages, pathological behavior can be triggered in some instances. For example, a controlling husband who is upset that the wife did not follow his directions could become physically and emotionally abusive. The partner may believe he has the right to "punish" the other person. Derogatory put-downs and name calling, such as "What a stupid thing to do," are often used to re-establish control over the other person.

It's easy to point a finger at your spouse and to say that he or she needs to change. It's more difficult to face your own unresolved issues head-on and take responsibility for how you need to change. But avoiding change instead of nurturing your relationship can be a sure path to marital separation and divorce. A marriage counselor can often help a partner to see his or her own role in marital dynamics.

As you gain awareness of control issues in your marriage, the starting place for change is always with yourself and your response to what is happening.




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Respect is a big role in every marriage. Always respect your partner even if you have different perspectives in many things. As long as you have respect for one another your marriage will survive every trials.

Source

Monday, November 30, 2009

12 Ways to Build Trust in your Relationship

Make sure that what you say is what you're saying.


It takes a lot to hold back some of your opinions sometimes. But when you hold back something important, your partner will see it in your body language. It's better to tell them what is upsetting you than for them to have to guess what you are trying to tell them and potentially guessing wrong.

Become more predictable

It's the sudden changes that can cause even the most calm and centered person to begin to question their partner. If you're doing something that might be perceived as 'out of your character,' realize that you might be causing suspicion. Try to keep your habits and actions fairly predictable so that your partner can assume that everything is okay when your patterns remain the same.

Be open about changes that you are making

But it's not fair to assume that you will be staying the same all of the time, so it's best to let your partner know when you are making changes that might seem radical. Starting a new exercise program or changing your overall look might be something that you will want to warn them about lest they think that you're primping and preparing your appearance for someone else.

Believe in your partner

A little faith in your partner will go a long way. When you want to build trust in a relationship, you will want to trust your partner as well to make decisions that benefit your relationship as well as your well-being. It isn't about thinking that your partner can do anything that they put their mind to, but it's about having the courage to say that you support your partner no matter what they want in their life.

Communicate your needs

What you need will go a long way to showing your partner how much you trust them. By allowing them to see what makes you happy, you are becoming vulnerable to them and to their reactions. They might not like what you've decided, though they probably will appreciate the fact that you are telling them what you need from them. Trusting them to listen and to respect these needs will help the favor to be returned.

Be an open book

Keeping secrets is probably one of the worst things you can do for a relationship. You need to be as open as possible in your marriage in order to show that you have nothing to hide. When you're open, your partner will also feel that they should be open enough to you as well. Small secrets are one thing gifts, surprises but when you start to keep some secrets, they might think that you're hiding other things as well.

Be yourself

You married the person that you are with because of who they are. When they start to act differently, that might make you question what is going on with them. When you want to rebuild the trust in your relationship, try to remember that you don't want to change or impress them, but you want to show them who you really are so that they can trust that person.

Have your own opinions

It's interesting that many people believe that agreeing with everyone will make them seem more trustworthy. But like 'yes men' in business, those that always agree seem to be lying some of the time. There's no need to disagree with others, but you should also have your own opinions once in a while.

Establish clear boundaries

Set up boundaries that might allow you to feel more trustful. If your spouse or partner is away, you might establish rules for talking to other women or let them know things that might make you uncomfortable. Share what you need to feel secure in your relationship and ask them to do the same.

Don't be afraid of success

Realize that you can have an open and honest relationship it's not impossible. Too many people dismiss the idea entirely and always look for things to be wrong however, this leads to distrust as well.

Communicate often

Take the time to talk with each other frequently so that you both know where the other one is at. This will allow you to feel as though there is nothing that you're not communicating to the other.

Take responsibility

If you keep a secret or lie, take responsibility for your blunder. People make mistakes, but owning up to them makes you better for it.




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Trust is hard to gain but you can definitely regain it if you show your partner that you deserve to have his trust once again.
Source

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

5 Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem Continuation..

Continuation..

Here are a few examples of language choices that will get you nowhere fast:


* Using the words always and never. Saying something like, "You never help out around here!" will stop any reasonable discussion dead in its tracks. It sounds like you're exaggerating, and your partner will invariably be challenged to fight back in their defense. They'll probably respond with something like, "That's not true! Remember that time two weeks ago that I helped clean up the house and took the kids to school?" It turns into a "he said, she said" debate, and the real issue gets lost in the translation.

So catch yourself when you use words that imply absolutes. Using the above examples, it would be better to start off by saying, "I'd like to talk to you about your share of the workload," and "I'd really like it if you put me first -- sometimes I feel second to your friends, relatives and co-workers."

* Insults and name-calling. Some of us grew up believing that the more belligerent and loud we were, the more we'd command attention. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, this technique may intimidate and belittle your partner into compliance, but you'll also make them angry and resentful of your ways. They might not have the guts to tell you to your face, but they'll secretly feel that you're a jerk.

Every time you or your partner call each other "stupid" or an "idiot" or an even nastier slur, a little bit of your relationship gets destroyed in the process. On top of that, your original problem will get lost in a barrage of obscenities, and nothing gets solved. So if you're being insulted, the right move is to say, as calmly as you can, "I can't continue to talk to you right now if you're going to use that language," and then offer to pick up the conversation later when your partner has calmed down. If they continue to aggressively come at you, then you need to question whether you'll be able to stay in a relationship with someone who's that emotionally and verbally abusive.

* Saying "or else!" A lot of people I know love to tack this little threat at the end of a command -- for example, "You better do things my way, or else!" Apparently they feel as if their need will get met more quickly if there's a hint of some consequence. But the real question should be: "Or else what?" What will you really do if your partner ignores your request? How will you retaliate? The problem with this choice of words is that very few people respond favorably to a threat and will actually do the opposite just to show that they won't be coerced into a specific action. Your bluff may be called, and then what will you be prepared to do? If you back down, then your threat is meaningless.

Instead, think through your response very carefully and tell your partner, "Here's what I'm going to do if you don't respond to me." It's certainly okay to provide a consequence if your partner fails to correct a problem in the relationship, but that consequence needs to be well defined.

So how can you ensure that you'll actually get heard? There are better ways to communicate your desires, as shown by the following few examples that can apply to any relationship problem:

* "I'd like it if we could take some time today to talk about something that's really important to me."

* "I feel that this is a problem we can work on together."

* "This is really difficult for me to bring up, but I just want to tell you how I feel about..."

* "I just need you to listen and try to reserve judgment until I'm finished."

* "I'm just asking you to hear what I'm saying -- we don't have to fix the problem right this second."

Principle #3: You'll have more success by focusing on one issue at a time.

One of my biggest challenges during couples therapy is to keep the two people from veering off into too many directions at once. It's nearly impossible to analyze more than one major issue at a time, which is why problem solving often fails miserably. Recently my wife and I started to discuss some money-management issues, and before we knew it, we ended the conversation by debating the amount of time we spend together. We caught our mistake and got back to the topic of money, but it did take some effort.

Make a commitment to actively focus on one thing at a time. I know it sounds difficult, but the payoff will be well worth the extra effort. Be aware, though, that your partner may try to derail the discussion by veering onto another topic if things start to get heated -- it's a sneaky little tactic to shift the conversation when things aren't going so well. So every time you catch your partner avoiding the topic at hand, say, "Let's continue to deal with ___ now and get to ___ [the other issue] later."

Principle #4: Set the right stage for discussion and negotiation of the problem.

There's a correct time and place to work on your problems. Let's deal with place first.

I can't tell you the exact room of your house that will work best for you, but a good rule of thumb is that it should be a location that's both quiet and comfortable -- maybe it's your kitchen table or your den? It just shouldn't be in public or at a friend's home. Major discussions deserve to be held in a consistent, appropriate location. Forgetting to set the scene is a crucial blunder made by a lot of couples, so put some thought into this.
The right time for the negotiation is just as important as place. I believe that there are three important considerations in this area:

First, you must (and I can't stress the word must enough) point out a problem the very first time it arises. You'll have more leverage if you don't allow something to snowball into a pattern of behavior. Many people finally put their foot down when their partner has made a major mistake for about the 32nd time, but by then it's simply too late. The reality is this: The longer you allow your partner to get away with unacceptable behavior, the harder it will be to have any power to get them to stop. If you hold your tongue and just hope that your partner will change on their own, don't complain that you never get what you need.

Second, make sure that you have enough time available to thoroughly discuss the problem. Some of my patients will bring up an extremely important issue right before our time is up for the session and then get angry when I say that we have to stop. The same principle applies to your relationship: If you and your partner begin to argue just as you're leaving for work or getting ready to go out, then the discussion will be nonproductive. Alternately, if you put off the issue too long, you run the risk that the problem will never be solved. So set aside an appropriate length of time for a face-to-face meeting (notice that a phone conversation is generally not intimate enough).

Third, when you and your partner have been sitting there for hours still hammering away without a compromise, it may be time to call it quits for the time being and readdress the problem again later. When you both get tired and start to go 'round and 'round, it's acceptable to say, "How about if we agree to disagree for now and pick up our discussion later when we're both fresh?"

Principle #5: Say "I'm sorry" if you act in a disrespectful or hurtful way toward your partner.

This one is short and sweet. You're not perfect -- once in a while you may unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt your partner's feelings. You may say mean-spirited things in the heat of the moment that you immediately regret -- so swallow your pride, apologize and ask for forgiveness. By the same token, you should also expect an "I'm sorry" from your partner if your feelings were hurt by disrespectful behavior.

I know there's a chance that you had parents who abused each other and became overwhelmed by relationship problems, and I'll bet that they rarely said they were sorry for their actions. So be different -- become truly free in your relationship by admitting that you were wrong. Really value your partner, and don't let your relationship have an unhappy ending.

You're now armed with some very important negotiating and compromising skills to use in any disagreement; and by utilizing these techniques, you'll have much greater success in solving difficult relationship problems.




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Marriage is a sacred gift from God so we have to take care of it. There are absolutely numerous trials that will come in any marriage just be prepared and face it together.

Source

Sunday, November 22, 2009

5 Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem

Do you and your guy argue about where to go for dinner? Who left the cap off the toothpaste tube? Or is it something more serious like how to discipline your kids? No matter the problem, Dr. Kelly E. Johnson, author of The Relationship Problem Solver for Love, Marriage and Dating, can help you discover how to better communicate and come to a resolution. Read the following excerpt and discover five principles that will help you navigate your next argument -- and maybe even save your relationship.

Introduction: The Real Way to Solve a Relationship Problem

Here are several things that must happen for a relationship issue to be resolved:

Step 1 in solving a relationship conflict is always the commitment to stop yelling at and berating each other in the course of talking about the problem -- you must both agree to respect each other's opinions. Step 2 is actually identifying the issue and then telling your partner your specific complaint and how you feel. These two steps must be done first, or the process of negotiating some kind of compromise will be meaningless. When you're ready to move on to Step 3, there are several core principles that must be adhered to.

Principle #1: You and your partner should never keep a running tally of "wins" and "losses" in your negotiations.

Sadly this is one of the biggest mistakes that I see couples make. Believe me, most people won't admit this out loud, but they're keeping score internally, just waiting for the day they finally get to "win." When you hear your partner (or yourself) complain, "You always get your way. It's my turn now!" it's time to realize that score is being kept.

Why shouldn't you keep track of victories and losses so that over time things are evened up? It would only make sense to win an argument sometimes, and I'll grant you that your relationship should be an equal partnership. The problem with keeping score is that the win-loss record usually becomes the most important factor in resolving a dispute, rather than the need to figure out each issue on its own merit. A friend of mine once proudly told me that he'd gotten his way four times that week, compared to his wife getting her way only twice. He didn't care if he was right or wrong, just as long as he got in the last word and won the argument. Giving in for him meant that he was somehow "weak" and losing control. Although I thought he was completely insane (and I told him so), I tried to make him understand that this behavior would only serve to drive a wedge in his marriage and make his wife disgusted with his competitiveness.

Compromise is not a sign of personal weakness. It's really okay to let your partner come out on top sometimes. This can be an extremely hard thing to do, but challenge yourself to wipe the slate clean before you tackle a new relationship issue. If you're being hardheaded and are only interested in evening up the score, then you won't be able to see the problem clearly, and a very bad decision could be made that irreversibly harms your relationship.

Principle #2: The language you use toward your partner is critically important in determining the outcome of any problem.

Even though you may be right, you may not get your way if your method of communicating isn't effective. It will do you no good to put your partner on the defensive right away with accusatory language. When someone's being attacked, it's a natural defense mechanism for them to either fight back or retreat into a shell -- in either case, the problem won't be rationally solved.


Continuation on my next post..



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Define what is you problem, talk about it. Every problems can be solved by communicating with your spouse.

Source

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Talking about money beforehand can save your marriage


Almost half of all marriages end in divorce. And divorce usually does heavy financial damage.

A substantial reduction of joint wealth accompanies the splitting up of property in a divorce. Then there's the draining cost of an additional residence and everything from furniture to furnishings that have to be replicated in a separate residence. On top of this, of course, there's legal fees and the drain of alimony and child support.

Disputes over money often create the animosity and tensions that are precursors to bitter marital discord leading to divorce. Can pre-marital money talk help avoid such potentially costly disputes?

Definitely – if honestly and seriously carried on.

The first and perhaps most difficult step is simply to talk about money, and talk honestly and seriously.

Among the topics of most importance are the prospective spouses' attitudes about credit. If one spouse thinks credit is there to be stretched to the maximum and the other thinks credit card balances are to be paid in full each month, a red flag should go up.

This difference in attitude, if it can't be honestly resolved, suggests that tensions and clashes are likely. On the other hand, if both prospective spouses think credit is to be used conservatively, credit harmony is likely.

Also important is who will control the couple's money. If each works, will each have a separate checking account and credit card and control the use of the separate checking account and credit card?

Or will all earnings go into a joint account? Or part separate accounts and part a joint account? Who will decide how the funds are spent? And if one of the prospective spouses makes more money than the other, or all of the money, should that spouse have a larger say in how the money is spent?

Discussing money control should naturally lead to a discussion of who will pay the bills. Sometimes the person wanting to pay the bills wants to do so to exercise control over spending. Other times that person just wants to take on the bill paying chore to be helpful. It's important to understand the motivation.

The bill-paying discussion should naturally lead to the question of who will be responsible for investment decisions. Is one of the prospective spouses more knowledgeable about investments than the other? Should all investment decisions be jointly made? How much risk is the couple willing to take? How much should they save each month?

This discussion of how money is controlled may reveal more than attitudes about money. It may reveal whether one of the prospective newlyweds will seek more control over the married life of the couple than the other feels comfortable with. Advance knowledge of this type of dominance issue may suggest a re-evaluation of the relationship that will avoid much future pain.

Pre-marital money talk isn't romantic like pillow talk. But both can be important for marital bliss.




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Money takes a big impact in any marriage. Talking about your finances, savings and expenses will make it lighter.

Source

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Winning Back a Cheating Spouse to Save Your Marriage

If your spouse has cheated on you, your natural reaction would probably be a combination of anger, rage, disappointment, bitterness, retaliation, extreme sorrow, revenge and giving up. All these are negative. If you do any or all of them, you put your marriage at risk of ending. But how should you respond towards your cheating spouse?
The first thing to do is pray and pray fervently. Only God can change a human heart so appeal to Him to do so. Then take action. Whatever action is taken is with the objective of bringing your cheating spouse to repentance and ending the illicit relationship. Here are things you should NOT do.

Things You Should Not Do

Do not spy on your spouse. This invasion of privacy will only cause greater friction in your relationship. Do not condemn your spouse. A holier-than-thou attitude would drive him or her even further from you. Do not be pedantic over every little detail of your spouse's behavior. Demanding perfection from him does not give him room to fail and come back to you. Do not issue an ultimatum, either. Don't threaten your spouse with the usual, "You come back to me or else". He may just choose the 'or else' and your marriage is as good as over. Now let me share what you CAN do.

What You Can Do

At the same time, do not be taken advantage of or taken for granted. You have a right to press for commitment and loyalty from your spouse. You can ask him to account for his whereabouts and activities. But be sensitive in doing so. If you suspect an affair it is alright to ask for an explanation of his relationship with the third party. If there is admission, then set out a plan to restore your relationship. If there is no admission, just let things be for now. Do not confront or accuse your spouse of an affair without hard evidence. Acting as though you are ignorant is the best approach. The longer you act ignorant, the more evidence you may be able to gather. An admission may come later if you do things correctly now. Let's say it has become crystal clear that your spouse is cheating. What then?

If it is clear that your spouse is cheating and does not want to give up the relationship, you have to persuade him to do so. But the means by which you do that is important. What about leaving your spouse as a way of making him give up the relationship? Personally, I would not advise that unless there is physical abuse involved. But if it does not come to that, I feel it is important to remain in the home even though it is painful to watch your spouse having an affair. There are things you can do while you are still living under the same roof.

You can show your dissatisfaction and disapproval by what you do or don't do. For example, you can cook only for the children or sleep in separate rooms. If your spouse has enough sense to see how this affects your relationship and more so how it affects the children, it should cause him to re-think his relationship with the third party. But if you leave him, you lose any opportunity to influence him to give up his relationship. Here are some practical steps I suggest you take.
Practical Steps To Take

If at all possible, have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse. Discuss the earliest time when you sense something went wrong with your relationship. Find out in what way your relationship changed. This is to pinpoint the root causes for the breakdown in your relationship. Once these root causes are found, help one another to remove them. But be careful of one thing, though.

Do not only highlight the changes your spouse needs to make. YOU must be willing to change first. Ask your spouse what changes about YOURSELF he or she feels you should make and then make the changes as far as you can for the sake of your spouse. Then only can you expect your spouse to change himself or herself. Re-live the way you used to in the past that brought you both much joy. Re-ignite the feelings you once had for each other. Re-connect by communicating with one another in fresh new ways. But don't only redo the past good things.

Try new things together. As long as they are either new or interesting or innovative and enjoyable, it's worth a try doing it as a couple or a family. The purpose is to re-discover the excitement of being a couple or a family. Here are some suggestions.

Do you have small children? Try something fun together. Throw a costume party, a treasure hunt, a family outing, a friendly competition (father and daughter versus mother and son), a family quiz etc. Children have a special ability to draw parents close together.

Do you have common interests? Indulge in it together. Go to a music festival, paint something together, visit art galleries, watch movies, share jokes, cook dishes together, do a common project, get involved in community work together etc. The aim is to spend quality fun times that will bring you closer together. All these activities are great, but let's not forget the way you behave towards one another daily. It's important there is some change in that also. Here's what I mean.

Put in what may be missing in your relationship. It may be mutual support or affirmation or encouragement or understanding or quality time together. You may not have outwardly appreciated your spouse enough. Then find ways to do so. You may never have given him reason to feel proud of himself. Encourage him in his achievements or whatever is important to him. Maybe you may not have boosted his ego often enough. If so, then lavish him with praise. Wife, believe me, your husband THRIVES on praise and well-deserved strokes of his ego, so be sure to tell and show him how great a guy he is. For sure you need to ignore his faults. Focus on his strengths. This is one sure way to win back his heart. And here's another sure way.

Be sure to speak one another's love language. If your husband responds to physical touch, caress him or touch him. If he likes words of encouragement, speak encouragement often to him. If he is the type that responds to acts of service, then be pro-active and do things for him. Likewise if it is quality time, spend the time and lastly if he responds best to giving gifts, make sure you surprise him often with gifts. In time, he will inevitably reciprocate the same to you. This is how you make each other feel good. I have written a FREE report, "Practical Tips on Improving Your Marriage" that you can download from http://www.savemarriagestoday.com.
Conclusion
It is never easy to deal with a cheating spouse. Doing all the above may take time and effort, but if done correctly would make your cheating spouse willingly break off the relationship with the third party. That is the ultimate goal in saving your marriage. After more than 20 years as a minister counseling couples facing marital problems, I sincerely desire that your marriage succeeds and brings you much happiness and blessedness.




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It's not easy to bring back the trust you have for your spouse who cheats on you. For me, the best remedy to save your marriage is to forgive.

Source

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dealing With Marriage Crisis

A marriage is not a bed of roses and even if it were, roses also have thorns. Getting into a marriage with a mind-set that you will not get any trouble can only be termed as suicidal. In fact, marriage is just the beginning of problem. But we can not run away from problems and crisis. We have the responsibility to ensure that ensure that the things that happen to us are beneficial and avoid being victims of circumstances. How can this be done?

Majority of marriage problems may be bigger in scope than you can ever imagine. What you are seeing as the problem may not be the actual problem and so you need to adjust your mind early and get to the root cause. This means that you need to go into the problem having already set to handle the worst.

There are no secrets in this world and both parties to the marriage must be ready to disclose all the material facts. This means that everyone must have the willingness to solve the problem by getting into its root cause. Be informed that if you try to suppress any information during a crisis, it will eventually be disseminated and the other party will see it as lack of faithfulness.

Most crisis end officially with the settlement of some kind and this must be accompanied by a sacrifice from one or both parties. After the crisis come the clean up, clean up means change and often accompanied by promises.




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There's no secret to a perfect marriage. Every relationship encounters hardship, misunderstanding, crisis etc. Just talk about your problem and try to solve it as early as you can.

Source

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Tips on How To Rejuvenate Your Marriage

Is your marriage one that makes you unhappy, full of stress and you get the feeling that it has been a mistake? It is a very well known fact nowadays that about 50% of marriages end up in divorce, so you would not be an exception, but you do not have to be part of that sad statistic. Commitment to rejuvenate marriage is a worthy goal and if you and your partner are committed you can reach a new rejuvenated marriages filled with love and happiness.

Studies have show that the most common shortcoming in failed marriages is the lack of communication. How can you expect your partner to know what pleases you and what upsets you. When you married you did not marry a mind reader who knows exactly what you like, how and when you like it. This fortifies the premise that communication is the number one requirement to rejuvenate your marriage.

Saving your marriage or improve the depth of your relationship will bring you the end result you had envisioned when you entered into matrimony. The marriage partners experience several changes in lifestyle various strains and if not addressed when they occur can lead to a growing apart of the couple. Be open and clear with your partner, share your thoughts and feelings so that your partner will have no doubt in your sincerity and desire to reach a new understanding and a rejuvenated marriage with passionate love that you once experienced.
Communicating candidly and honestly reduces the possibility that someone feels deceived or misinformed and could certainly help build up your marriage relationship significantly.
To get to a higher, more intense form of communication, a new dimension, one that is practiced by only a few people, must be added to the process.

In addition to just talking (instructing), listening (learning) to the other must be practiced and make a priority. That is taking note of what is being said by your partner, how often is a word repeated, what importance seems to be given to certain thoughts and suggestions. Good listening is not only hearing what is said, but also analyzing what was not said but implied through careful phrasing and lastly by reading the body language of your partner.

Even though the above suggestions will have to be practiced during the course of every day it would greatly help when you boost this by setting aside some time for serious discussions with your partner. Find a quiet place where you cannot be disturbed and if you have young children get a babysitter and go out to a private place.
If that is not practical, at least choose a time when you will have the least amount of distractions. Wait until the children are in bed, turn off your cell phones, and take your phone off the hook. An untimely phone call could ruin the moment and cause you to lose momentum. This quality discussion time is fundamental to a good marriage and should be given the proper reverence.

If your marriage is not what you have been looking for start listening and play close attention and try to uncover the real desires of your partner. Ask questions and be sure that what you think you understand from the discussions is what your partner’s real innermost desires are. If this seems to be unusual and embarrassing, remember you are talking to your best friend with the objective to become more closely connected and move forward to a new rejuvenated marriage.




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Every couple experiences difficulties in their marriage. It' normal that sometimes your husband and wife upsets you, always think on the brighter side. Communication is the best solution, talk on your differences and your problems with each other.
Source

Friday, November 6, 2009

Tips To Save Your Marriage By Creating Intimacy


When your marriage is on the rocks you must believe that there are proven ways to save it from ending in divorce. If you easily give up and don't think that what you can do can make a world of difference then it will most likely fail. Right now, everything is possible and you can definitely save your marriage.

A common missing ingredient for marriages in trouble is a lack of intimacy. For a marriage to be happy there must be a level of intimacy that goes beyond the physical and wholeheartedly embraces the emotional. Ask yourself this, does my marriage suffer from a lack of intimacy?

Do you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse? Or maybe you like to deal with things on your own and don't openly discuss the issues that you have in your relationship. If you put a wall between you and your spouse emotionally, then your marriage suffers from a lack of intimacy and you need to bring it back so you can fix what is missing.


Be sure to make an effort to share your problems and uncertainties with your partner. Most people are troubled and anxious with certain situations. They would rather keep it to themselves and don't involve their spouse when in fact this could be detrimental to the marriage in the future.

Remember, spouses can very easily sense when something is wrong and if you exclude them, they quickly begin to feel shut out and redundant and that's when hurt can quickly find its way into a marriage.

A good way to bring back intimacy into your marriage is to make time for each other. In these modern times there are a lot of things you can do to strengthen your relationship. If you dont allot time for one another, then dont expect your relationship to last. Don't be surprised if you wake up one day to find out that your marriage is over because you were too busy with building you career and taking care of the kids.


If you are determined to keep your marriage from failing then you have to make sure you spend quality time with your spouse and marriage. Try an unplanned fun date with your spouse by taking the afternoon off. Your partner realizes that they mean a lot to you because you went to such extents of changing your daily routine just to include them. You should start to see some improvements in your marriage.

Maintaining a certain level of intimacy in a marriage should be a work in progress. Don't think that things will work out naturally even you have issues that needs to be addressed. A marriage that is always full of intimacy can definitely continue to flourish.




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Keeping the spark after so many years being together is a common problem that couples encountered in their marriage. It's up to you on how to make that intimacy stay in your marriage, talk about it and just enjoy each other.

Source

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

10 minutes that may save your marriage

When you have kids, you can get so caught up with trying to keep them organized that it is easy forget to take time for both yourself and your partner.  This makes it easy to lose touch with your partner, or let things you might have argued about go unresolved.  These unresolved issues tend to build up over time, and when they bubble to the surface, the result is an even greater argument and distancing from your partner.

There is a solution that is easy to write on paper (or virtual paper), but difficult to put into practice.  You have to be strict and determined with this one, and make a point of doing it every day.

What is it?

The solution is to spend at least ten minutes of one-on-one time with your partner every single day.  That’s right, ten minutes, every single day.  One-on-one.  Meaning, no kids, no distractions, maybe a glass of wine.  These ten minutes will work wonders for you and could save your marriage.

This is easier said than done.  If you have kids, they will need to play alone or with each other during this time.  If you have a baby, you will probably need to spend this time together when the baby is napping.

Your kids will need to understand that they cannot interrupt you during this time either.  This is “Mommy and Daddy Time.”  The kids get your attention all day, hopefully they can last 10 minutes out of the entire day without it.

What do you do in these ten minutes?


During these ten minutes, you give each other your undivided attention.  Try and relax, talk to each other about your day and understand one another.  Discuss what is on your mind or discuss any arguments that you had that might have gone unresolved (don’t start the argument all over again, but try to understand from each other what caused the argument and what you can each do better next time).

What is important is that you are there for each other, you are paying attention to each other and you are communicating with each other!

If you do this every day, you will find that you understand each other better and will feel closer to one another.  If you do this early in the evening, you will find that you will tend to be more relaxed throughout the evening and better able to deal with each other, the kids, and any issues that might arise.

Try and keep it regular and on schedule.  If you start skipping times, you will lose the rhythm and it will be hard to get started again.  It may not always be possible, but try and spend this time together as often as you possibly can.  You will definitely see the benefits of it.




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That's true, most of the time we forget to have time for our husband and wife. Taking 10 minutes of your time will make a difference in your marriage.

Source

Sunday, November 1, 2009

How to Decide if Your Marriage is Worth Saving

If your marriage is in trouble it's time to take an honest look as to why. Can the problems be worked out or is it time to consider ending the marriage? How do you decide if your marriage is worth saving?

How to Decide if Your Marriage is Worth Saving
Step 1

Recognize physical or emotional abuse. Physical abuse is easy to recognize. The one question to ask yourself is, "Am I afraid of my spouse?" If the answer is yes, it is time to end the marriage. Many choose to ignore or do not recognize emotional abuse. Some common signs of emotional abuse are constant criticism, berating, insulting, treating as inferior or a servant, demanding gratitude and isolation from family and friends. Anything that makes you feel bad about yourself on a regular basis can be considered emotional abuse.

If you have an abusive spouse that is unwilling to seek help, you can only expect the abuse to get worse. It is time to end the marriage. Don't wait until it's too late. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233 (ndvh.org)offers referrals and advice.
Step 2

Acknowledge infidelity. Many couples are able to work through the feelings of betrayal that an affair brings. If you or your spouse feel that over time this transgression can be forgiven then your marriage is worth saving. If not, it is probably better to end the marriage.

Step 3

Question your true feelings and answer them honestly to yourself. Are you still in love with your spouse or are you in love with the idea of marriage? Do you enjoy being with your spouse or does time together leave you irritated, depressed or wishing you were alone or somewhere else? Do you respect your spouse and feel supportive in values and beliefs?
Step 4

Connect problems that recur. A pattern of fighting over trivial matters, disagreeing about everything, cruel teasing, refusal to work on major issues, an unwillingness to compromise and always bringing up past hurts indicates that there are some serious problems in the marriage that may be beyond repair.

Step 5

Measure the intimacy in your marriage. Intimacy is defined as a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person. Does this describe how you feel toward your spouse or do you try to avoid affection and personal contact?

Step 6

Inspect other relationships to see if the problems in your marriage are affecting how you relate to others and how you do your job. If others get a sense of sadness, moodiness, frustration, anger, fear, inattentiveness or impatience from you it might be time to end the marriage.

Step 7

Appraise your own health. How is your stress level? Are you sleeping well? Eating properly? Exercising regularly? Attending to personal hygiene as you once did? If the problems in your marriage are having an effect on your personal health it might be time to end it.
Step 8

Seek counsel if you and your spouse have come to a point where you can no longer communicate. Sometimes an outsider can offer perspectives on problems that seem hopeless.
Step 9

Determine to give your all to your marriage for a designated period of time. Make your best effort and really try to improve your marriage. If at the end of this time you still feel hopeless, you will have a feeling of closure knowing you did your best to save the marriage.




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Every marriage is worth saving. It's not too late to save yours. Communicate with your husband and wife, talk about your problems and differences. Stay calm.

Source

Friday, October 30, 2009

Five Wise Ways To Save Your Marriage

There are many things that couples can do to save their marriage. Although circumstances for each marriage are different, what I'm going to discuss in this article applies to every marriage.

1. Be Willing To Work on Your Marriage

Couples need to be willing to pick up the pieces and work with their spouse. Humble yourselves to each other. So many times couples blame one another for the disarray of the marriage because they are hurting inside. No one wants to feel hurt, pain and suffering. But what happens when we don't even try to forgive? The broken pieces of the marriage remain on the floor!

If no one is willing to pick up the pieces the marriage will remain broken. Negative emotions, past baggage, guilt and vulnerability will be carried with you into the next marriage or relationship. Don't think that remarriage is going to make you happy or solve your problems. That's not reality. The reality is you can pick up the pieces and resolve your martial problems and be a better marriage partner because of it.

2. Change Attitude From "Don't Care" to Committed

So how do you change an attitude from "don't care" to committed? You just do it. Understand that you probably walked into the marriage with non-commitment, even though your feelings told you otherwise. This day and age, many of us have not been taught the value of marriage, and many of us don't know what the bible says about marriage. This "don't care" attitude about the sanctity of marriage is what is killing marriages and families. What does God say about marriage? God says marriage is for a lifetime.

3. Forgive and Encourage Daily

Realize it's not just the big things that need forgiveness, but the everyday small things too. Forgiveness works very closely with acceptance. In marriage couples need to accept and tolerate the person they married. Forgive your husband for leaving the toilet seat up and watching too much television. Forgive your wife for not being a good cook or house cleaner. Do these small things really mean an end to the marriage?

We all have areas that need improved on. The best way to improve on ourselves is to encourage each other. Does that seem backwards to you? It is not backwards when you look at the big picture. When you encourage the person you married, you will be lifting them up in spirit, and in turn, they will see the positive aspects in you and do the same. Couples absolutely need to encourage one another every day. Instead of finding fault and bringing each other down, find the good in one another and bring each other up.

4. Appreciate Each Other More

This area in marriage is greatly lacking. Do you want to know why? Some of us take our marriage and everything in it for granted. Some of us never stop to think about all that our spouse does for us. Do we expect too much from the person we married. We somehow think that if only they would do this, or change to be like that, then we would be happy. But this kind of thinking is not reality, is it?

Stop and notice your marriage. When was the last time you told your spouse how much you appreciate them for all they do? Don't let the doldrums of marriage make you emotionally lazy. Show your appreciation in acts of kindness and love every single day of your marriage.

5. Realize Who The Creator of Marriage Is

Jesus Christ has already laid out the architectural design for a Christian marriage. He has given us the wisdom and the knowledge to live marriage God's way! If we manage our marriage under our own understanding it will have difficulties and possibly fail. We absolutely have to put God first so we can understand how to love the person we married in the ways of Christ. God is the Master Architect of marriage and for a happy marriage we need to base our actions on His design.



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Make God as the center of your relationship and you'll surpass every trials in your marriage.

Source

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Honey, did you hear me? Why men don’t listen?

Differences between the male and female brain are to blame, says Dr. Robi Love by the numbers

“Why doesn’t he listen to me?’ “Why can’t he remember what I tell him?” “What is it with him and that remote control?”

Sound familiar? Yep, I thought so. It’s not uncommon for women to feel that their partner is not listening to them. This is not to say that all men refuse to listen, but it’s a common enough trend among them to at least raise this issue.

When I told some of my male friends I’d be looking at this topic, I asked them for their thoughts and insights about men and their ability — or inability — to listen. Many of them laughed a knowing laugh, while others agreed, “It’s because you gals don’t get to the point fast enough.” Here are some of the common complaints men had about their partners’ “conversational style”:

* Women talk too much.
* Men assume they’ve heard it all before.
* They feel their partners are yelling or nagging them about something.
* The topic at hand is really not that interesting (ouch!).
* Or simply: They are more pressing matters to attend to.

According to some of the current research out there, it’s our brains that are to blame. And this difference may start even before we’re born. Testosterone (for men) and estrogen (for women) flood our fetal brains, which leads to marked differences in brain development and neural connections. Male brains tend to have less area for word use and word production. The male brain also produces less serotonin and oxytocin than the female brain. Serotonin helps to calm us down and oxytocin helps us with bonding behaviors.

So what does this all really mean? Men may not take in as much conversation as women do, because they have fewer verbal centers designated for it. This may also make the man in your life want to end conversations quicker than their female partners do. The male brain may also rejuvenate differently than the female brain. Men like to rest and chill out more than women do. Women may want to bond at the end of the day to rejuvenate and feel connected, because of the oxytocin found in their brains. So what’s the answer? We know that couples who don’t listen to each other eventually head for disaster, so that’s clearly NOT an option. Here are some tips to help the ladies out with the men in their lives:

* Timing may be everything. Think about the best time to bring up important discussions. It’s probably wise to wait till he’s done with the TV or newspaper before having your say.

* Keep it short and to the point. And remember, the end of the evening may not be the best time to go into details.

* Pause regularly and maintain eye contact to make sure your partner is still listening to you.
For the guys out there: Remember, your partner is not giving you a final exam. Women just want to be emotionally supported and attended to. If you communicate that you care and get the emotions behind your partner’s story, your efforts will be greatly appreciated and probably rewarded, too. Now that doesn’t sound too hard, does it? The bottom line is: We all want to feel important and loved in the right way … and nothing beats talking to and finding a way to hear your partner, in order to achieve that very worthy goal.




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It is important for couple to listen to one another so they could understand each others feelings. Men are insensitive at times maybe they are born to be like that, women should make some move to make their husband listen to them.

Source

Monday, October 26, 2009

Protect and Save Your Marriage: Learn to Dance

Cultures around the world create social dances as an expression of male and female relationships. The dances look different in Europe, North America and Latin America; just as the relationships between men and women look different in those cultures. At the core of all dance is communication. Two people, with different roles, working together to form a better union – in life or on the dance floor.

Compared to many other countries, American men are expected to lead more by example rather than force. Unfortunately some men are raised to be bullies and brutes. In America, communication between men and women is more open, often creating a deep level of trust. These traits can be seen in the dances America has created; primarily Lindy Hop and West Coast Swing. West Coast Swing evolved from its big brother, Lindy Hop, as music morphed from Big Band into pop, blues, and hip hop. These dances rely heavily on “leading” and “following” according to set rules, with a huge amount of space allowed for individual expression and the ability to create and find direction as-you-go.

There are two primary forms of dance. The first is individual dance and the second is partner dance. Individual dance is all about you. Basically, individual dance is a “Look at me. Look at me.” art form. In contrast, partner dancing is more about the connection that people share in dance. Individual dance is about “me” and partner dancing is about “us” or “you and me”. Partner dancing is an incredible expressive, experiential and action method that provides a wonderful metaphor and example for building positive relationships. This is important. Dancing allows people to behave in ways that can change relationships.

West Coast Swing

Virtually all partner dancing is a means to deepen, strengthen and learn the responsibility of relationships. West Coast swing is one of the very best, most interesting, creative and fun dances you can learn. But there are others. Salsa is another. And there is Tango. But we are going to focus on West Coast Swing because you can use this dance with all sorts of music including smooth jazz, hip-hop, street music and even many types of rap.

So we are going to tell you what West Coast Swing has to offer people who want to have better marriages or to become a better parent, spouse, friend or lover.

A successful relationship recognizes that the role of leadership must be taken by one person at a time; not both. In West Coast Swing, men lead and women follow. But even this is not absolute. The role of leadership will at times pass back and forth, but each person leads in their own way. Initiative or creativity may pass from one to the other. Ultimately, the question of direction should come from one person consistently. For the sake of space, we will set aside the discussion of natural or created roles and assume the lead role of this dance drama to be played by the man. (But in reality, a woman can lead in a manner that is called “back-leading” whereby a woman’s greater awareness and personal decisions in the dance leads that man in ways that are not obvious to the casual observer. In partnership, and with every great dance team, there is a woman who can either lead or follow; but she chooses to follow.)

There are 4 key principles in partner dancing. Knowing these, as we learn dance, can help you understand, deepen and appreciate the importance and responsibility of your relationships with others.

Asking

The concept of a respectful relationship and sensitive interaction can be difficult to teach, especially to people who have never experienced such a relationship as a child or young adult. It is even more difficult to comprehend if that person was neglected or abused. The concept of “Asking” is quit different from demanding. The ultimate expression of “asking” is one where the response is invariably “Yes, I would love to.” This goes to heart of West Coast Swing. The “Ask” goes like this. Take your partner’s hand, creating the lightest possible connection, relax your arm, center your body, feel the music, find the count, move from your center on the one count… and your already in a relationship. There is no yanking, pulling, jerking, or muscling. It is a beautiful perfectly timed moment that begins a flight of movement where you feel totally present, connected, playful and like you are communicating. These physical movements directly teach people how important a beginning, a request and communication can be. Little things matter. Marriage, at least often, is about asking, and definitely not demanding, arguing, debating and forcing your spouse to follow.

Lead and Follow

As a leader on the dance floor, a man must learn how to lead in such a way that the woman wants to follow. His lead must be respectful, unambiguous, and must be at the appropriate time. He invites, rather than demands, and then he waits and allows her to complete her own movement. She is in charge of herself. There is no pulling involved; no fight over timing. He is listening to music and he leads her on the “1” of the musical phrase. His lead comes from his body; his core, and his heart. He leads by example, first moving himself, then inviting her to move with him. He never stands still and pulls her across the floor. Imagine a military officer, who is used to yelling orders to his soldiers, talking to his wife the same way. He would be faced with an unhappy wife – or divorce papers. On the dance floor, his lead is gentle and she can tell he’s aware of her. She feels cared for and therefore obliges with grace and a smile.

When a woman feels respected and loved, she is open to being asked and she will naturally and often say yes. In dance, like marriage, there is already a willingness to ask and be asked. If not, then problems are likely to surface. A women does not need to lead if the direction is clear. She actually knows that she has much more interesting, challenging and rewarding things to do. Her role is not just to respond but also to “run her own life” on the dance floor. She knows how to hold her hand, her frame, how to move her center when he initiates a movement and so she moves on her own power. She is balanced so she does not depend on him for her movement. She doesn’t use him to help her move across the floor. She keeps her center over her feet so when he asks her to move, she reacts from her core and glides easily. Essentially she is an independent, balanced entity, but she chooses to connect with him and let him guide. She can walk away at any moment if she wants and not lose her balance. The connection is gentle, powerful and without force. It is a healthy partnership.

Connection and Communication

Partner dancing happens from your center, just as life communication happens from the heart. However the partners are connected by about four feet of arms and hands, which makes the issue a bit more difficult. Arms and fingers can distract from the important communication happening in the center, therefore how both partners hold their fingers is just as important as how a person speaks and listens in a conversation. The lead must be clear, with enough tension to “say” something to her but without unnecessary movements feel and that sounds like “babbling”. If he constantly moves his hand when he is not intending to lead a move, she will quickly learn that he likes to babble and she will ignore him. Likewise, the woman’s arm must be loose so she can “hear” what he’s saying. If she tenses the muscles in her arm, it is as if she is interrupting the conversation and she’s unable to listen.

The Play

Within his lead a man leaves more space for her to play. A man actually does not get to play as much. If he plays to much, the dance looks foolish. Women are almost always better dancers and more fun to watch. She adds the fun stuff; the sensuality and spice to the dance. His lead is sometimes direct, other times open-ended. Since she’s listening, she can tell when he’s creating her free time to play. He is thinking about her, himself, where they might go next and whether or not he can lead her is a way where she says “Yes!”

Every leader who is a beginner feels the pressure of being rejected. In time, his leadership will become more than leadership. It is harmony. The play of the dance is based on the music, so if both partners understand the music and know what’s coming, they know to expect the other person to react to a change in instruments or vocals or rhythm. They don’t know what the other person will do, but she’s ready for something that (hopefully) allows her to interpret the music. There are times when it’s appropriate for her to interrupt, with a signal, and add something he hadn’t thought of or didn’t hear in the music. The relationship is deeper and more worthwhile because of what she adds. But just like a conversation, an interruption should be relevant to what’s being “said”, or what he’s leading. She can enhance the dance with as much spice as she wants as long as she doesn’t take away from what he’s leading. Basically, she plays within the moves he leads. And almost without exception, she’s the prettier part of the pair and the one who warrants the most attention because she has the freedom to add color. If he stifles her, the dance will not flourish. If she steals the lead, synergy is quelled. But when a man and a woman know their roles and operate to their best within their framework, magic is created.

Therapy and Dance

Dance is not only an art form but a means of communication. Dance is also an interaction and expression of many things human. Therapists have studied and even incorporated dance as a therapy. This is not really hard to imagine, because if you dance, or are learning to dance, you will discover that dancing will cause many feeling and thoughts. Dance therapy is used as an expressive, experiential or action method. The way we move our body alone, or in public, is a deeply personal and sometimes a rewarding or threatening behavior. We learn a great deal when we move and especially when we move in relation with or to others. . We discover our self and others by dancing and watching others dance. We can learn a great deal about respect, responsibility, cooperation, collaboration and the achievement of goals.



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That's true. In marriage, you should dance together, meaning both of you should interact with one another. Talk about little things after work at home, have a nice date, talk about how you feel, take time with your kids, rekindle romance and listen to one another.

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Saturday, October 24, 2009

How to Have an Inspired Marriage


When we hear that a couple has an inspired marriage, words that come to mind are steadfast, resilient, stimulating, and motivating. Individuals in inspired marriages are generally steadfast and resilient folks who can motivate and stimulate not only themselves but their spouses as well.

How to Have an Inspired Marriage

According to Russell Bishop, three keys to having an inspired life are:

* Listen: Listen to what you say to yourself and to others.

* Awareness: Notice what you are experiencing.

* Intention and Focus: Know where to start and stay focused.

These three keys, listening, being aware, and staying focused, could also lead a couple to having an inspired marriage.

Why Should You Want an Inspired Marriage?

Having purpose and meaning to your individual lives is important to most people. Having purpose and meaning in your marriage can help remind you both of who you are and what you care deeply about. This awareness would give your marriage a solid foundation on which to make plans and make goals together.



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When you love each other being inspired is easy. It makes a difference when both of you are inspired in your relationship. It makes you stronger and feels like going to your old habit which is being stuck with one another.

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Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Secret to Dealing With a Fork in the Road in Your Marriage

Throughout your marriage journey with each other, the two of you will face the proverbial forks in the road. When you are at these crossroads, some of the decisions may be serious and life changing. Years later other forks in the road in your marriage will be hardly remembered. All the forks in the road will require you to make a decision.

You know you are facing a fork in the road in your marriage when you realize if the two of you don't make a decision to go one way or the other you will hit a brick wall. Sometimes you have a pretty good idea of where the paths lead. Other times you may feel as if you are leaping into a deep canyon without any idea of how far you have to jump.

The Secret About Forks in the Road

The most important thing to remember about forks in the road is to not hide your heads in the sand. When you come to a fork in the road, make a decision. Other tips to handling forks in the road:

* Accept that change happens and realize that not all forks in the road have negative consequences.

* If the fork in the road is due to the death of a loved one, allow yourself and your spouse the time and space to grieve. Accept that you both may grieve the loss in different ways.

* If the fork in the road is caused by a natural disaster such as a flood, hurricane, fire, or earthquake, be realistic about what you can and can't do and don't be in a rush to replace items.

* Keep a monthly journal. List the important decisions you make. Did you move, lose a job, get ill, purchase a pet, let go of a dream, have a child, have an extended visit from your in-laws, face a financial crisis, handled an issue such as pornography or infidelity in your marriage, take a vacation? At the ending of each year, reflect back on the year and talk with each other about the way the two of you handled the many forks in the road that you faced together.

What Forks in the Road Have You Faced?

Most forks in the road are unexpected although you can foresee some forks in the road such as when your last child leaves home or if one of you decides to return to college.

As we look back on our years together, some of the forks in the road that have impacted our marriage and changed our lives include the birth of our children, the death of three of our babies, our divorce and remarriage, going back to college, illness and recovery, deciding to move, changing jobs, becoming an empty nest couple, coping with aging parents, fires, and remodeling our home. What forks in the road have you faced together?




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In facing forks in your marriage, it's important that you still meet on the same path in the end.

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